Let’s Talk about Death and Dying

You know Benjamin Franklin’s observation that there are two things for certain in the world—death and taxes. So perhaps in this season when we are striving to meet the tax deadline, we might as well also talk about death! And talk about death is an interesting topic to look at here in Eastertide as we celebrate our resurrection faith.

I recently read Richard P. Olson’s book, Celebrating the Graying Church: Mutual Ministry Today, Legacies Tomorrow. It is a gem that I am going to reference many times over in the months and years ahead. Olson provides wisdom from his experience as local church pastor, seminary professor and now elder adult past the age of 80 who made the decision to move 400 miles from his home of 30 years to live near his family. So, he writes from professional and personal reflection, confession and experience about aging and ministry as parish minister, pastoral counselor, seminary professor and now as participant observer living in a retirement community. The chapters are concise and conclude with questions “For Your Reflecting and Conversing” making it a potential resource for congregations to use in considering their own ministries with aging members or for clergy support groups considering the challenges and opportunities for their ministry with older members. But pertinent to this blog, in chapter 11 entitled “Prepare Yourself and Us to Say Goodbye” Olson urges us all, including clergy, to prepare for our own deaths.

We Are All Mortal

We remember on every Ash Wednesday that from dust we came and to dust we will return. And yet, coming to terms with our mortality is a challenge for multiple reasons. During a conversation considering our own deaths, a colleague shared that although he had presided over many funerals in 40 years of ministry, he had never considered his own until that conversation. We are all going to die. In my years of ministry and presiding at funerals and memorial services, for those who had had conversations with their loves ahead of time sharing their wishes, their deaths were more peaceful. And the grieving process of their surviving loved ones was more easily a process of healing without regrets and fear that they had made decisions their loved one would not have wanted.

Olson quotes Atul Gawande, surgeon and author of the book “Being Mortal”, “It is not death that the very old tell me they fear. It is what happens short of death—losing their hearing, their memory, their best friends, their way of life.” Although we all face our mortality from various perspectives, I believe that all of us fear those same things. We cannot imagine future events that we have not experienced and yet we also anticipate future events based on our past experiences accompanying others.

This past summer Dr. Kathryn Mannix gave a presentation at the International Conference on Spirituality and Aging. She had a career working in hospice care. A few months ago, Dying for Beginners, a video was released about her observations of the dying process. It is a lovely, illustrated accompaniment to her words describing the process. I encourage you to explore this 4-minute video. It describes a very peaceful death and there are many people whose death is not this beautiful, but it still can be a helpful way to address our fears about the dying process.

Since we live in a time when we know that more of us will be living longer than at any other point in history, it is easy to put off thinking about what the end will be like. Although we hope that we will fall in the actuarial tables as those who live well into our 80’s in relatively good health, there are still many of us who will not. So perhaps we need to tend to these unwanted conversations sooner than later.

Supportive Resources

One of the resources Olson mentions, The Conversation Project, was not new to me. I was introduced to this resource for helping congregations, families and individuals look at the questions and wishes for medical and end-of-life care several years ago and after I was no longer serving a local church. From their website:

“While 92% of Americans say it’s important to discuss their wishes for end-of-life care, only 32% have had such a conversation. 95% of Americans say they would be willing to talk about their wishes and 53% even say they’d be relieved to discuss it.”

Their goal is to help us talk about our wishes so they can be respected and understood. Their free downloads are in English, Spanish and Chinese and include an English audio guide as well.

Another resource Olson lifts up is from the Center for Practical Bioethics, Caring Conversations. Again, in English and Spanish, this resource is available to download or you can access the resource on-line with a fillable workbook that can then be printed.

Did you notice that both contain the word “conversation” in their titles? We need to not only think about these things, but to share our reflections and wishes with those we choose to help us make decisions when the time comes. Having the wishes in writing is another important step in helping us say what most Americans say is important: to actually talk about and make our wishes for end-of-life care and planning for our death known to those who will be helping us when those decisions need to be made.

Eastertide

In this season of Eastertide, the scripture passages include multiple stories about the confusion, fear, anger and grief of the disciples and other followers of Jesus. Even though he was preparing them for his own death, when it came and the way it happened, was a shock. The disciples found themselves fearful, perplexed and perhaps ill-prepared for what was to come next.

Talking about death does not bring it into reality. Talking about death paves the way for a “good death” in which our wishes are honored. Talking about death allows us to tend to the relationships which are most important to us while we are here to appreciate each other. And talking about death and dying lays the foundation for our loved ones who survive us to experience a healthy process of grieving without guilt and fear that they had to make decisions which we would not have wanted. Conversations about our wishes can also provide the opportunity of expressing our love and saying good-bye before it is too late.

This blog begins a new series for the blog writers around the topic of mortality and the conversations we need to have about our own wishes for the end of our lives. This is never an easy topic and the conversations can be difficult, but the benefits for when the time does come can be a gift. May we have the opportunity to prepare for our own deaths even as we celebrate life eternal as people of resurrection faith. May you find ways to begin the conversation or return to the conversation with those you love.

For Reflection (either individually or with a group)

Read the blog. Read it a second time, maybe reading it aloud or asking someone else to read it aloud so you can hear it with different intonation and emphases. Invite the Divine to open your heart to allow the light of new understanding to pierce the shadows of embedded assumptions, stereotypes, and ways of thinking so that you may live more abundantly. Then spend some time with the following questions together with anything or anyone who helps you reflect more deeply.

• Is there someone with whom you need to talk about death, either your own or someone else’s end of life? What do you need to talk about?
• What fears do you have around death and dying?
• Have you experienced someone who had a “good death”? Why do you consider it a good death?

Download a pdf including the Reflection Questions to share and discuss with friends, family, or members of your faith community small group.

4/4/24 14:00